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Thursday, April 12, 2007
May I have a promotion, sir?
These are some real employee evaluations ! Unbelievable, but will have you rolling in your seat!
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3."This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4 "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."
5 "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."
8."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "HE doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13."I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15."He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17."When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18."If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." (acutally
10 million and below is considered sterile)
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Diaries of a dog and a cat
FROM THE DIARIES OF A DOG AND A CAT.
DOG
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:00 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:00 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:00 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:00 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
CAT
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Bureaucracy!!!
Just the other day I was watching the serial "Yes Prime Minister" Nigel Hawthorne and Paul Eddington are simply fabulous. But what scared me was the way spin was applied to everything that the common man read and heard.
- Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
- Lord's prayer: 66 words.
- Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
- 10 Commandments: 179 words.
- Gettysburg address: 286 words.
- Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
- US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
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Monday, April 09, 2007
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to
look forward to.
- 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
- 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"
- 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
- 8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
- 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- 12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
- 13. You sing along with elevator music.
- 14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
- 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
- 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- 19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
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Sunday, April 08, 2007
Men are Happier
Men Are Just Happier People. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress, $5000; tux rental, $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades, maybe a lifetime. You have to shave only your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet, one pair of shoes, and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24, in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Sunday, April 01, 2007
Great news!
Hey! the school will be sending me for IGCSE training workshop to the UK for a week! I shall be leaving on the 20th of April and be in Cardiff for a week! Will be great to be able to meet some of the people whose blogs I have been reading regularly.
PS: ( Please keep this under wraps- the school doesn't know about this yet :-)
Oh BTW, Have a great day!!!!....Check the date just in case you didn't get it!
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A prayer from an email
Heavenly Father, help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares .
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together .
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
14:58 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
A prayer from an email
Heavenly Father, help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares .
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together .
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
14:49 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this